Feed the Beast
It’s midnight and I am thinking about anger and other unpresentable emotions. I know, it’s gross. But I’m taking stock of how different people handle these beasts when they well up, and they will well up. Some folks just let the bitterness take over and have its way, turning its human host into a dangerous incubus of rage. Others, like myself, just get tired, so we hide away in Colorado and we draw puppies. But then there are those who see their gloom as just another mess to clean. All it takes is a good attitude and a little aggressive smiling, and soon they’ll be right as rain…. or will they?
I recently learned of a phrase called “toxic positivity.” It is based on the idea that emotions are meant to ebb and flow, and if we try to suppress negativity too much or too often, we throw everything off balance and get sick. But before we get sick, we struggle for a long time to smile and laugh convincingly enough that noone’s the wiser. But deep down we must all know that sadness, anger, and shame are are powerful ancient forces that cannot and simply will not just disappear by noon. In fact, the more we bury them in sugery, performative joy, the longer they will linger.
So, according to this idea, the only way to effectively protect yourself from your own monster is to give it some attention while it runs its course. In other words, give your beast something to chew on so it doesn’t chew on you. Be unpresentable some of the time. Do it for your long-term health. Scream profanities into a canyon. Kick a chair. Write horrible nothings into a journal. Cry hard and get ugly.
You can’t make magic grow overnight.
Love, Julia
It is not May 28th
Hello reader. I know this seems an odd title for my very first blog post, so I will clarify by saying that there is no f*cking way to delete the (incorrect) date “May 28th,” which sits stubbornly at the top of this page. Trust me. I’m not tech savvy, but boy have I tried to change it. For the record, today’s date is November 19th, 2022.
Anyway, welcome to my blog! Take a seat. If you have ever met me in person, you will likely be expecting this to start out on the topic of art and my process of making pretty pencil sketches, but then you’re likely also prepared for some fast turns and wild tangents. So strap in and I’ll do my very best to color within the lines while making absolutely no promises.
Drawing is really tough for me, which is partly why I do it. It’s an emotional process and sometimes my drawing, much like my brain, gets stuck in a loop. I’ll see a shape, then make a line, which is very wrong, so I erase and try again, and that’s even more wrong, and so on and so forth. The end result is usually quite smudgy and I will have spent sometimes hours on the tiniest, most insignificant speck of the page.
Then sometimes it really fucking flows. Usually it’s after a night of sufficient sleep, a strong cup of matcha, and a complete lack of hangover (ie: zero drops of alcohol in at least two days). Only then do I catch the illusive wave. On these mornings (and its always morning), visual information moves from the photo to my brain to my hand to the page in a steady and uncomplicated way. These beautiful bursts of productivity last only a few hours, but it always feels like I’ve caught a wormhole in space. By the early afternoon when my matcha buzz has faded with the day’s light, so much graphite has made it on to the page. And then there is some kind of peace.
Despite knowing all of this, I still can’t always rely on these magical wormholes of productivity to be waiting for me every morning. Some days, I just don’t see it. For reasons that are out of my control, my eyes don’t always deliver and I have to walk away.
Anyway, this is just one little snippet describing one of the many battles I wage in the pursuit of my crazy dreams. I guess this particular blog post stayed on topic. The next one may or may not follow suit.
Until then, thanks for reading and for visiting my website.
Goodnight,
-Julia